This is part 26 of my SAO summary / fanfiction. You can start with Part 1 here.

Kirito’s wife and daughter sat on a couch in ALO, watching video feeds of a tournament in a different video game.

“I wonder why Kirito hasn’t shown up yet…” asked Asuna. “I thought he would have killed everyone by now and won the tournament. He’s a beater, after all.”

Yui laughed. “Daddy would strike the enemy from behind so quickly, there’d be no time for him to show up on camera!”

“I wish daddy was here to strike me from behind with his sword…” muttered Asuna. It had been so hard when Kirito left ALO to play GGO. It was his job, so it couldn’t be helped, but Asuna was lonely. And it was hard raising Yui without her father.

Yui and Asuna then witnessed Death Gun appear from nowhere and kill someone.

“My true name, and the true name of this gun, is Death Gun,” said Death Gun. “That’s because it’s a gun that brings death. Clever, eh?!”

“I have the power!”

“It’s show time!”

Death gun began to dance. His dance moves were smooth and cool, just like his name and the name of his gun.

Kirito began to dance, too. “Come on Sinon, let’s do this!” Kirito shouted as he patted her buttocks and began to dance with Death Gun.

It reminded Kirito of his glory days, of back when he had defeated King Oberon in a dance battle to free Asuna from slavery. Today he would defeat Death Gun and be a hero once more.

“Nooo!” Sinon screamed. Death Gun’s death gun reminded her of the death gun she had shot a man to death with in her tragic past. Sinon began to cry.

Then her blood cells began to flow backward and Sinon fainted.

When she awoke, Death Gun had gone. “Kirito, I will help you to defeat him. I must overcome my fear of guns. Guns aren’t scary at all, and I won’t let the fear of them ruin my daily life.”

Kirito whipped out his sword and thrust it towards Sinon’s face, barely blocking a bullet.

Kirito killed the attacker with his smooth dance moves. Sinon’s mouth was left hanging open the whole time, still waiting to receive the energy from Kirito’s sword.

Meanwhile, back in ALO, Silica and Imouto stared up Imouto’s blouse. “These are so great, aren’t they, Silica? Why would Kirito be so interested in asses now…”

Back in GGO, Sinon and Kirito discussed their plans. “How will we find Death Gun on radar?” Kirito asked. “Death Gun isn’t his real name.”

“Well…” Sinon worked her brain to the maximum levels. “‘Gunner’ is like the ‘Gun’ of ‘Death Gun’. And ‘X’ is like the cross sign he makes. Maybe he’s this ‘Gunner X?’”

“Or is that too obvious?”

“Well… Character names are usually obvious.”

“Mine’s just my real name rearranged. ”

“Same here.”

“Wow, Kirito-kun… we have so much in common…”

“Well, Death Gun must be Gunner X! You’re a genius, Sinon!”

“But this is the only time I’m helping you, okay?! It’s not like I like you! Baka!”

“But Kirito-kun, after this, you’d better face me head on with your sword! You promised!”

Kirito and Sinon went to face Death Gun. They separated to surround him from both sides, but Death Gun ambushed and paralyzed Sinon.

“Now, show me your rage, Kirito! I will fire my gun into your woman’s ass!”

“All so that I can feel your blade inside me once again! Your mad blade!”

“Show me once again. I want to see your blade…” Death Gun drooled through his mask.

Sinon was defenseless. All she could do was shake her ass as she lay frothing on the ground. She remembered the time she had killed a man with his own gun. It was the same gun Death Gun had. Sinon’s blood began to flow backwards once more as she felt a last bout of manic strength possess her.

“Now, Sinon… Suck my Colt!”

To be continued…

This is part 27 of my SAO summary / fanfiction. You can start with Part 1 here.

Death Gun prepared to fire his Death Gun up Sinon’s ass.

Sinon held her breath and closed her eyes in anticipation. A bang sounded. Sinon felt… nothing?

A hand grasped SInon’s right buttock. She opened her eyes. She was surrounded by smoke. She found herself slung over Kirito’s shoulder, staring at Kirito’s massive sword, bulging out of its scabbard.

Kirito gently laid her on the back of a motorbike. He paied the fee and hopped on.

“That’s odd,” thought Kirito. “They don’t know how to spell ‘paied‘. Must be a bug.”

Kirito sped away, but Sinon spotted Death Gun chasing them from behind.

“This is my horse!” declared Death Gun. “Its name is… Death Horse!”

“Crap!” shouted Sinon. “His horse is fast!”

“Shoot him!” said Kirito.

“I… I can’t!”

“Then give me your gun, I’ll shoot him.”

“I… I can’t! This gun is part of my body…”

“Stop whining, woman! Just fire the damn gun!”

Sinon fired and missed. Fortunately she hit the gas tank of a parked car and blew Death Horse to smithereens, although Death Gun escaped.

Kirito drove the motorbike into the desert, where he parked in a cave.

“The satellite won’t see us here.”

“Kirito… since we have some time alone now, I’ve been wondering. Why do you refuse to fight me? Are you afraid to put your blade inside me?”

“Sinon… there’s no need. You already live inside me.”

“Then… why won’t you? Are you afraid you’d get an STD (Sword Transmitted Disease)?”

“I’ve never given myself to anyone else.”

“That’s not it, Sinon! We’re already involved with one another!” The only problem is Asuna, Kirito thought to himself. I’m sure she’d be down for a threesome (especially with that ass), but I should at least ask first.

“Then take responsibility! You protect me for the rest of my life!”

“Ok.”

“Now… Kirito… I want your sword!”

Fifteen minutes later…

“Kirito… I think that now… I’ve overcome my fear of guns.”

“Death Gun’s Death Gun is tiny anyway… It would barely make a dent in me. I don’t know what I was so afraid of.”

To be continued…

This is part 28 of my SAO summary / fanfiction. You can start with Part 1 here.

Sinon rested her head on Kirito’s lap after she had taken her fear of guns (and Kirito’s gun) into her own two hands.

“Kirito-kun… How are you able to be so strong right now?”

Kirito told Sinon of the many struggles he went through. Of how in Sword Art Online, he had practiced swordplay everyday with his friends to become a beater, not a cheater. Of how he overcame all the odds along with Imouto to defeat the fairy king in a dance battle to save his wife from tentacle rape. Most importantly, he told her of his struggles to be a father.

“So, Sinon… the key is, to overcome your struggles, you have to keep trying and thinking.”

“I see. Thank you so much, Kirito-kun. I feel like I understand now.”

“It’s just like my sword. Look at it. Touch it. It’s hard and big. But it bends. It’s flexible. That’s what life is like.”

“I see, Kirito-kun. From now on, I’ll face my fear of guns head on.”

Sinon faced Kirito’s gun head on.

At the same time…

Asuna, Klein, Liz, and the loli with the tentacle rape fetish watched the battle in GGO while sitting on a couch in ALO. The evil man who had bought Kirito dessert entered. He was a hot elf with blue hair.

“You bastard!” shouted Asuna. “First you buy Kirito dessert, and now you play another video game with him? A shooting game?!! Are you trying to destroy our marriage!”

“Ummm…. not really…. we’re just trying to stop a murderer. It’s dangerous, but only Kirito can do it.”

“Why didn’t he tell me then?!”

“He probably didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Kirito…” sighed Asuna.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” cried Klein. “I would have been so happy to help.”

“But Kirito-kun wouldn’t do that,” said the loli with the tentacle-rape fetish. “He cares about us too much.”

“He’s always been like that,” said Lizbeth. “I hope he comes back soon so I can reforge his sword…”

“Hey, mommy…” interrupted Yui. “Why is that person putting her hand between daddy’s legs to clean his sword? I thought that was a special game that only family could play.”

Asuna looked at the screen. It was just as Yui had described. “Well, maybe we will be getting some new family soon. Her assets are quite impressive…”

Meanwhile, in GGO…

“Uh, what is that?” asked Kirito, pointing to a floating disc that said “RECORDING”.

“Oh, that’s the TV camera. It’s broadcasting everything it sees to the entire world. Don’t mind it.”

Kirito gulped. He hoped Asuna and Yui weren’t watching…

“You don’t mind if everyone sees this?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I think most people seeing this will assume we’re both women.”

Kirito heard a splashing noise. He looked to see a dinosaur swimming.

“EUREKA! EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED!” shouted Kirito.

“I guess that place feels pretty good,” said Sinon.

“Not you, woman! Look at that dinosaur! Now it all makes sense. There are DUAL Death Guns. That’s why he’s so strong. It’s just like my DUAL BLADES.”

“Um, if you say so.”

“Ok, let’s do this Sinon. We’ve been in this cave for thirty minutes now. It’s time to fight Death Gun.”

“Ok! Let’s go!”

To be continued…

Kirito and Sinon waited in the cave for their enemies to come. Kirito had just stepped out so the satellite could see him, to lure the enemies to his position.

Kirito was worried. “Death Gun has already killed a lot of people… can we beat him?”

“Then he’s sure to get the ‘max kills’ award… There’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Darn it. And here I thought we could defeat him… It feels like we’ve lost. By the way, Sinon, there’s another player still around. ‘Dark Wind.’ Is he strong?”

“Well, Kirito, he is one of the last players alive in this tournament, and he placed in second last time, and many think he is the best player in the world… So nah, you can take him.”

“Good. We’ll defeat this PKer once and for all.”

“Killing someone with poison while they’re full-diving isn’t PKing. PKing is noble and honorable. It’s murder.”

“Yeah. We know their plan and that they’re hiding in your house right now waiting to kill you. The only way we can stop Death Gun is to win this tournament.”

“You know, Kirito, I’ve been thinking… maybe we should call the police?”

“Sinon. That’s impossible. To call the police, I’d have to log out of GGO. Then I’d forfeit the tournament.”

“Oh. You’re right. Hadn’t thought of that.”

Kirito headed out into the desert for the final confrontation. Sinon set her sights on his fine sword (accounting for the 4 m / s wind speed to the northeast, of course). Sinon couldn’t wait for this to be over with so she could once again confront Kirito’s naked, firm blade in battle.

Kirito meditated on the Buddha nature. He became one with the entire virtual earth.

He felt a disturbance in the force and stepped aside. Since he wasn’t used to being a girl, he forgot about his long hair. It was cut by the bullet.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Kirito screamed in rage. “My beautiful hair! Death Gun, you killed my hairdo. Prepare to die!”

After its horrific damage was done, Death Gun’s Death Bullet flew on and cut a skyscraper in half.

Sinon fired at Death Gun, but Death Gun fired back. Their bullets whizzed past each other within millimeters. Both of their guns were destroyed.

“It’s time to face each other like men!” shouted Kirito. “With a contest of swordplay!”

In another world, Asuna rushed to Kirito’s bedside and worried. Women. Yui put the match up on the TV, and Asuna admired Kirito’s blade once again.

“That’s a rare weapon…” said Kirito.

“Indeed,” said Death Gun. “This is made of the best metal you can get in this game.”

“It’s supposed to be made of a space battleship’s armor. It was called… Death Battleship.”

“Cool story, bro.”

“Though the length and weight can’t be much more than this.”

“Then I’m afraid you wouldn’t be able to make a blade I’d like. A thickness like that wouldn’t be able to make Asuna, Sinon, Yui, Imouto, or even my old pal Kuradeel happy.”

“You still like blades with high strength requirements? Fool! When it comes to swordplay, agility and flexibility are the most important stats!”

“Well, my sword now is lighter than my old one. And I only use one at a time. I’ve always wanted to try something like this. Sinon seemed to like it too. She helped me choose it.”

“That’s nice, but soon she will be dead.”

Death Gun and Kirito fought.

“Death Gun, you’ve already lost. I know you from Sword Art Online, and once I tell the police your name, they’ll arrest you. You should just turn yourself in now.”

“That’s impossible, Kirito-kun. You’ve forgotten my name.”

“No… I can remember…”

“Fool. You’ve even forgotten the reason why you forgot.”

“Then… why…?”

“You don’t know my name.”

“That’s why you can’t remember it.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!” Kirito wailed a cry of hopeless despair.

To be continued…

The results are in, and Sword Art Online’s depiction of butts is less realistic than that of Rail Wars. Note for animators: you need to properly model gravity. . If and are the masses of Sinon’s butt cheeks, and is the distance between them, then is non-negligible.

On to this week’s episode! This is part 30 (OMG!) of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito and Death Gun continued their struggle in the desert, getting down and dirty and covered with sweat.

Death Gun panted heavily from the exertion. “You will never defeat me if you can’t remember me! Bwah ha ha ha!”

“Damn it!” Kirito grunted. “Wait, I remember! You’re the guy with the red eyes and the skull mask! The guy who looked just like Death Gun! Except, you know, without the gun.”

“Noooo! How could you see through my disguise?!!!”

While Death Gun was distracted, Kirito chopped him in half.

“Goodbye, Death Gun. Or I should say… ‘Dead Gun.'”

Kirito and Sinon shared an incredibly awkward, half-assed fist bump.

“Now we need to finish this,” said Kirito.

“Want to have another duel like yesterday, in the cave?”

“You’re a mess. Take a shower first. Then come to my house and we’ll duel on my bed in the real world.”

“My address is…”

“Now, catch!”

Sinon glomped Kirito and they went out in a lover’s suicide.

The crowd roared with excitement. This is what they wanted to see. Two of the players teaming up to take out all their opponents, then calling it a draw at the end. This was the most exciting BoB they had ever seen!

Back in the real world, Beta stopped by to give Sinon some food.

“Hey, Sinon, I saw you and Kirito’s swordplay on the livestream.”

“Let’s do some swordplay of our own now.”

“I don’t want to, your sword isn’t big enough, like Kirito-kun’s.”

“It doesn’t matter, because I’m raping you. Bwah ha ha ha!”

“What…. Why would you do such a thing, Beta?! I thought we were friends!”

“Well, I was going to become a doctor.”

“But that jackass Zexceed spread that lie about agility types being the strongest!”

“So I became a rapist and a murderer. I had no choice.”

“It can’t be… Beta… Are you… Death Gun?!”

“Close, but not quite. I’m Death Gun’s younger brother. You can call me… Death Gun Jr.!”

“Now, Sinon, I will let your fine ass experience my Death Gun!”

“I kind of want to experience it so I can make fun of how puny your Death Gun is, but… Noooo! Kirito-kun, save me!”

Kirito barged through the door and whacked Death Gun Jr. in the face.

To be continued…

This is part 31 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito courageously fought against Sinon’s evil rapist. However, since he couldn’t wield his dual blades in real life, Kirito was defeated. Death Gun Jr. injected Kirito with his Death Injector. Then Sinon hit him in the head with her stereo.

“Kirito-kun! Noo! Don’t die! You swore that you would do swordplay with me! So you can’t die until then!”

Sinon tore off Kirito’s shirt. She fondled his sexy nipples.

“Uggh…. I’m dying…” Kirito groaned.

Sinon prepared to draw Kirito’s sword.

“Wait… Kirito… The Death Injection was blocked by the heart monitoring electrode you left on your chest.”

“My life is flashing before my eyes… Oh… Tee-hee! You’re right! I’m alive! Hallelujah!”

“Sinon, why are you stopping the swordplay, didn’t you want to practice? Oh, I know, why doesn’t your friend join us?”

“I think he might be dead.”

“Ah. Well, whatever. His loss.”

The next day…

Sinon’s friends called her to meet them in the park.

“Sinon, I’m your friend, could you lend me some money?”

“No. Sorry, I spent it all on video games, I’m broke.”

Sinon’s friend drew her gun and prepared to fire.

“My brother told me never to point this at anyone. But you’re fine, right? You’re used to it.”

“Yeah, I am. I fought against Death Gun. And I killed him. Then I faced an even more powerful opponent, Kirito and his Dual Blades. I made him scream like he was dying. Your gun just doesn’t do it for me any more.”

Sinon’s friend fired her gun. But she hadn’t turned the safety off.

“Here, let me show you how to use that. For next time.”

Sinon hadn’t watched Sabagebu. She proceeded to violate the Japanese gun safety laws, firing a gun in public on a city street without a license while underage. Fortunately she wasn’t arrested.

Sinon left her friends behind, wallowing in their own tears.

“This is my first step,” she said.

Sinon stepped.

Meanwhile, Kirito leaned against his motorcyle and posed. Sinon wasn’t around, but everyone assumed he was her boyfriend at first glance.

That afternoon, Kirito’s worst enemy treated him and Sinon to dessert. Kirito raged and fumed. They discussed how the murders happened because Death Gun put all his stats into agility. The lesson was that you should diversify your investments.

Afterwards, Kirito asked Sinon out. They rode together on Kirito’s motorcycle, Sinon hugging him tightly from behind.

“Sinon, these are my friends from SAO, Lizbeth and Asuna.” Kirito neglected to mention that Asuna was his girlfriend.

“Hi Sinon! I’m Asuna! It’s nice to meet you!” Asuna neglected to mention that she had seen Sinon making out with Kirito in GGO on television, and was looking forward to some three-way swordplay later.

“Sinon, I’ve brought someone to meet you so you can overcome your trauma.”

It was the lady from the post office whose life Sinon had saved and her daughter. The woman thanked Sinon. Sinon overcame her fear of guns. Everyone cried.

Except Kirito. Kirito was a true hero, after all.

 To be continued…

This is part 32 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

“Someone found the Holy Sword Excalibur in ALO?! Imouto, are you telling me… that my DUAL BLADES are no longer the world’s biggest swords?!!!”

“No, of course not, onii-sama. They found the sword, but they only saw it. They didn’t get it yet. Don’t worry.”

“Phew. Okay, this afternoon, I’m upgrading one of my weapons.”

Later that day…

“Everyone, please help me upgrade my sword!”

“But, Kirito, look at all these swords I made for you! Do we really have to go on this quest? It looks like it will be really cold.”

“Yeah, what do we get out of this?” asked Klein, resting his head comfortably on Kirito’s bosom.

“Don’t worry, Klein. Somehow, I’ll find a way to express my gratitude. Afterwards, I’ll show all of you some top-notch swordplay while wielding Excalibur. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Klein? Lizbeth, Silica, Sinon? And Asuna, Imouto and Yui, I don’t even need to ask you. We’re family, after all. Swordplay is for the whole family.”

“Ok!” said Klein.

“It’s a deal,” added Lizbeth. “I’ll reforge your new sword to be harder and bigger.”

“I can’t wait to see how new sword feels, Kirito,” said Silica.

“I won’t let you attack me from the rear like last time,” Sinon said. “By the way, Lizbeth, can you make a sniper rifle for me?”

“Umm… no… this isn’t that kind of game, Sinon…”

The party headed to the dungeon, where Imouto’s friend Tonkii, the elephant squid, would fly them to the dungeon entrance. Imouto showed off her high cold-resistance stats. She’d decided recently that she’d been wrong and that Kirito was actually an ass man.

But right now, Kirito only had eyes for Excalibur.

They continued walking towards the dungeon.

Kirito pulled on Sinon’s tail.

“Kirito… Ahhhh…!!!! Can’t you wait… until… you get the new sword? Although it feels so good… such sensitivity….!”

Silica looked at her tail sadly. “Why won’t Kirito grab my tail…?”

Finally, they arrived at their destination. Imouto whistled, and Tonkii appeared in the distance.

“He’s so cute!” said Lizbeth.

“See, Kirito?!” said Imouto. “Tonkii is cute!”

Tonkii started sucking on Klein.

“Ok, let’s go!” Kirito and friends jumped aboard.

“Tonkii, yip yip!”

As they ascended through the clouds, a vast panorama of ice and snow panned out before them. They saw the battles of men and giants and elephant squids as if they were ants.

A giant woman appeared. She was the princess from the lake who had ruled over the prosperous kingdom of giants before her kingdom was destroyed by the ice king. She began to explain the history of her tragic past to Kirito and friends.

“Woman, we don’t need your life story, just where is the fucking sword?!” Kirito shouted.

The woman pointed.

“Tonkii, yip yip!”

To be continued…

This is part 33 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito and friends were feeling super horny. They had been fighting naked, sweaty giants for hours. The new pair of opponents was tough. The yellow giant’s resistance to ordinary attacks was too high.

“I have a plan,” said Kirito. “At the same time, let’s let loose and concentrate all our Sword Skills on the yellow one, to defeat it. I can’t hold in my power for much longer.”

“Me too,” said Asuna. “I can only squirt my magic pixie juice on you all for another 150 seconds. I’m running out of MP, despite the 7 liters Kirito supplied me with when we started…”

Kirito grasped the hilt of his blade firmly in his right hand, a mixture of oil and blood glistening on the tip. Everyone stored up their magical energy and prepared to release their load onto the unsuspecting giant.

They rushed in and let loose. The giant screamed in pain and ecstasy. But all their energy wasn’t enough. The giant wanted more.

Fortunately, Kirito whipped out his DUAL BLADE and released the immense magical energy stored inside. His friends stared in shock, amazed by the dexterity and power of Kirito’s special Sword Skill.

“That felt great,” said Sinon. “You don’t have this kind of teamwork in GGO, where everyone is close together, grunting and sweating and swinging their swords together. I’m glad I switched to this game.”

“No fair!” said Yui. “I wish I could use a sword in battle… but Daddy says I’m not old enough yet to do swordplay with people who aren’t family.”

“Don’t worry, Yui!” Lizbeth reassured her. “You’ll still get to enjoy seeing daddy’s swordplay against this boss. Our only choice is to find the King of the Giants, and kick his butt! By the way guys, I call his butt… he he… he he…”

The party continued on.

They passed an elven girl imprisoned in a prison of ice.

“We have to save her, guys!” said Klein. “She’s hot! I mean cold, in that ice cage! I mean… Nice tits!”

“It’s clearly a trap,” said Asuna. Everyone else agreed.

“Don’t do it Klein,” said Kirito.

“You don’t understand, Kirito… Even if it’s a trap, I can’t leave her here! When you were a girl in GGO… the feelings I had… why can’t you understand?!!”

“Oh… fine… whatever, Klein…”

Klein freed the girl from her prison of ice. She thanked him profusely.

Klein blushed. Even if it was a trap, he didn’t care. It was worth it.

Together, they entered the boss’ room.

He was big.

Kirito peeked up his skirt.

“Oh… my… God…!”

To be continued…

This is part 34 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito and friends continued battling the ice giant. He showed them his cool dance moves, but Kirito was unfazed. In fact, Kirito brimmed with rage. How could the ice king’s sword be larger than Kirito’s? Kirito vowed to slay the ice king.

However, he was a fearsome opponent. As part of his dance routine, he froze the entire party with giant piss emanating from his enormous sword. The party’s death appeared inevitable.

Then Freyja had an idea. “Kirito, bring me my treasure. It’s a golden hammer, about this large. If you find it, I can help you in your fight.”

“That’s a huge hammer,” said Kirito. “But not quite as long as my sword. I’ll see what I can do.”

While the rest of the party looked for the giant hammer, Sinon fought the ice king by herself. She took advantage of her long range attacks by kicking his nose.

In time, Kirito found the hammer. He tossed it to Freyja.

Freyja transformed into a giant man in bondage gear. His mighty hammer was even bigger than the ice king’s. “Finally, I have my manhood back!” shouted Thor.

“Freyja… but… I loved you!” cried Klein. He took a shot of whiskey.

“This is our chance!” said Kirito, as Thor began to fight the ice king. “Everyone attack as hard as you can!”

“Use all your Sword Skills! Now that Thor is here, it’s time to get down and dirty!”

They defeated the ice king.

To finish him off, Thor inserted his giant hammer into the ice king’s head. The ice giant king’s body convulsed with electricity as Thor’s life force coursed through him.

Thor thanked the party for their hard work, and gave a copy of his hammer to Klein.

“The love of my life transforms into a sweaty naked man before my eyes, and then tells me to wave her dick around in battle?” Klein wept. “What’s worse, I don’t have a single point in hammer skills…”

“Oh, Klein…” said Kirito.

“Well, time to get Excaliber back!”

Kirito had just remembered that Excaliber was his sword. He had forged it himself, using a cheat code, in his battle with King Oberon. He wouldn’t let anyone else wield his massive sword.

Kirito went to pull out to pull his sword from the ice. He mounted the platform firmly, gripping the shaft tightly with both hands. He tugged to and fro, his grip slipping over all of the shaft. He needed to generate enough friction for the sword to stiffen, heat up and crack the ice.

“You can do it, Kirito-kun! Make your sword come out!”

“It’s starting to spring up! You’re almost there!”

“Show us your guts! Like you showed me in the cave!”

“You can do it, daddy! It’s just like me and mommy do for you!”

“Kirito-san, you can do it! I’ve done it for your old sword, and my hands are so much smaller!”

“Pull hard, Kirito! Your sword is counting on you!!! This is the battle of men!!!”

Kirito tugged with all his might, and finally, the sword broke free!

The castle fell apart and the party began freefalling towards the ground.

Imouto took advantage of the situation and gave Kirito a hug, carefully measuring the contours of his newly bulging sword with her body. But Kirito had more important matters to concern himself with. Behind Imouto’s back, he subtly managed his menus, checking if he had ownership of the sword. It looked like the quest hadn’t finished yet.

Tonkii came to save the party from falling. They all jumped on his back, except for Klein, whom Kirito pushed into the abyss. Fortunately Tonkii caught him.

“Tonkii, yip yip!”

Kirito was worried that he might not receive the sword from the quest after all. So he tossed it into the abyss after Klein. If there was even a possibility that someone else would get the sword, and have a bigger sword than Kirito, it would be better if the sword didn’t exist at all.

But Sinon caught the sword with her sticky arrow. “What are you doing, Kirito? I was looking forward to some swordplay with your new sword tonight.”

“I… you’re right, Sinon. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll give the sword back. But before that, promise me something.”

“Each time you draw this sword,

remember me in your heart. Even if I’m not by your side to draw it for you.”

“Ok, Sinon. I promise.”

Everyone glared at Kirito. Especially his wife and daughter.

Kirito was annoyed. He kicked Klein in the face.

At that moment, three goddesses appeared to hand out quest rewards. Kirito got to keep his sword.

One of the goddesses was pretty cute. Klein was desperate after the affair with Freyja, so he decided he’d take his chances.

“Cute goddess! Could I have your contact info?”

She laughed and waved goodbye to Klein without saying a word.

Klein wept.

Afterwards, they all went to a party in the real world. They were discussing Kirito’s new sword. He’d already practiced swordplay with everyone.

“Have you noticed it’s spelled Excaliber?” asked Sinon. “Normally it’s Excalibur. I’d assumed it was because the creators were Japanese and didn’t know how to spell in English…”

“But the word for the diameter of a gun’s barrel is ‘caliber.'”

“And from that, it came to mean the size of a person’s quality.” She glanced sidelong at Kirito. “And that’s why Kirito is such a catch.”

To be continued…

This is part 35 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito took a nap.

To be continued…

This is part 36 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Asuna turned off her video games. It was time. Dinner time.

She went downstairs, to a romantic candlelit dinner with her mother. “Asuna, the internets are evil. Stop playing on the internets. I will get you to attend a school that isn’t all about the internet. I will get you a tutor— one that isn’t on the internet! Oh, and break up with your internet boyfriend. I found a real husband for you.”

“You’re already in middle school! It’s time for you to grow up.”

“But, mom!”

Asuna went to her room and cried. Everything was so unfair. Why did her mom hate the internet so much? Was it because Asuna had been trapped in the internet for two years? Adults were sooo stupid.

“The real me is powerless… it’s only in the virtual world, when I’m doing swordplay, that I feel powerful…”

The next day, Kirito woke up from his nap. Asuna had arrived at their secret swordplay spot.

“Hey, do you remember the first time you came to my room in Selmburg?”

“No… I have a poor memory…”

“Oh…”

“Just kidding! That I remember! You were so amazed when I showed you my sword for the first time.”

“It was my first time seeing a man’s unsheathed sword. How could I not be amazed?”

“Anyway, Asuna. You’re going to challenge Zekkun today? Zekkun’s sword is… Well…”

“Kirito-kun, don’t tell me, you’re jealous that another man’s sword might pierce me?”

“No, that’s not it. Well… I want you to feel the rest for yourself.” Kirito patted Asuna’s head tenderly.

Asuna went to face Zekkun in a deadly showdown of might.

“Yo, peace!” Zekkun was a cute girl. Asuna glared at Kirito.

“N-No… I didn’t go easy on her because she’s a girl.”

“So this is why you didn’t mind me doing swordplay with Zekkun.”

“All men are scum,” said Lizbeth. “They love seeing girls do swordplay together.”

“Well… you may have a point…” said Kirito.

“Whatever.”

Zekkun and Asuna began to fight. Zekkun felt Asuna’s chest with the tip of her sword. Then she pierced Asuna eleven times with her eleven hit combo special attack.

Asuna was defeated. “Zekkun, why don’t you finish me off? Your sword is so strong… although not as strong as Kirito’s.”

“Because you’re exactly the one I wanted!” Zekkun cried. She grabbed Asuna’s hand, and they flew off together into the sunset.

“Noooo!!!!” Kirito wailed a cry of despair. “I wanted to watch my girlfriend going at it with another girl, but I never thought this would happen! Could it be that Asuna… is actually a lesbian?!!!”

To be continued…

This is part 37 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

“Asuna… will you do it? Swordplay… with my guild and I… I really want you….”

“Yuuki… I… I will. But tell me… the man in black… why wouldn’t you take him instead? He is the best person I know at swordplay.”

“He… he saw right through me. He knew that when I played swordplay with him, I was only faking.  But my swordplay with you, Asuna… It was the real thing! That’s why I need you!”

Asuna and Yuuki went to do more swordplay with the boss. Asuna wrapped her arm tenderly around Yuuki’s shoulder.

However, a man blocked their path.

“I won’t let you go any further. We’re fighting this boss next. If you want to get through, you’ll have to fight me.”

“Ok! I love swordplay!” Yuuki drew her sword.

“But, Yuuki… you barely know him!” said Asuna. “Are you comfortable with this? And what about me?”

“You should joni in too, Asuna! Swordplay is the most fun when you do it with your friends. And Asuna, there are things you  can only share with someone by fighting.”

“Like STDs (sword-transmitted diseases)…” interjected Asuna.

“Asuna, please fight by my side!”

Yuuki deftly handled the man’s sword, and he fell to the ground in stunned disbelief at her amazing technique.

“No one… no one has ever parried my blade like that!”

“But even if you were able to handle my sword… will you be enough for all my friends?!”

An army of twenty more swordsmen was quickly approaching from the rear, their swords erect and glistening in the light.

“Yuuki, we won’t be able to take all of them!”

“Then we’ll just have to go down fighting! This is how I wanted to die— with a sword in both hands, and in my mouth… swords everywhere! I love swords! This is going to be fun!”

“But… I thought you only wanted to do swordplay with me.”

“Asuna… I like your swordplay the best. I really do. But good swordplay takes practice. I want to master new techniques, so that I can better enjoy swordplay with the ones I like most!”

“I see… then let’s do this!”

However, at that moment a man in black appeared from nowhere and ran on the wall to block the newcomers.

“Don’t worry, Asuna! I’ll hold them off!” shouted Kirito.

“At a time like this, you should rely on your family!” said Yui. “Let’s do swordplay together!”

“Tch,” hissed Yuuki under her tongue. “Well, I suppose that sometimes you have to go for quality in swords over quantity. Let’s go do swordplay with the boss, Asuna!”

To be continued…

This is part 38 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito single-handedly held back thirty powerful warriors, buying time for Asuna to enter the boss room with Yuuki and further develop her swordplay skills.

“How are you so strong?!” cried the enemies. “We can’t even touch you! You slice our magic in half with your enormous sword!”

“What? I was just getting started,” complained Kirito. “Even the fastest magic is slower than an anti-materiel rifle’s bullet. Blocking your swords is sooo easy. And I haven’t even drawn my new sword yet…”

Kirito took out Excalibur. His enemies, those who could remain standing despite the sudden weakness in their knees, fled. Kirito’s sword was too big. Staring at it, they felt as if they had no right to call themselves men.

“I love you, Kirito-kun,” said Asuna, as she stared hungrily at his two swords. But she turned around. Today, she had to protect Yuuki. That fragile but strong, young body… Asuna could barely control the feelings swelling from within her bosom.

Yuuki laughed and giggled as she handled all the men’s swords with ease. She had handled so many swords before, all the men were novices before her vast prowess.

After their energy was spent and the men had been disarmed, Yuuki, Asuna and their friends entered the boss room. This time they would triumph.

Everyone took a swig before the battle.

Asuna tenderly placed her hands on Yuuki’s shoulders, and stared into her eyes.

“Yes, Onee-chan?”

“Once this battle is over, tell me about yourself. I want to know about you, Yuuki. To know everything. I want to touch every inch of your body. To do swordplay with you, and to know how it feels to have your sword inside me.”

“Ok, I can’t wait, onee-chan!”

“Why are you calling me Onee-chan?” asked Asuna. “Not that I mind… Actually, now I kind of understand how Kirito feels about his sister…”

“Because I want to be close to you too!” said Yuuki. “And family are the ones you’re closest to.”

“You’re right,” said Asuna. “Like how Kirito and I are so close with our daughter Yui… I will call you Imouto then. Well, let’s get to know one another better!”

“And you know, that there are things that can be shared only by fighting!”

Asuna and Yuuki drew their blades.

The ogres attacked viciously. Yuuki took some damage, and Asuna quickly healed her.

“Onee-san, I feel your energy flowing into me! It feels… so good!”

They continued fighting for a while, but the ogres didn’t slow down their relentless assault.

“Wait!” shouted Asuna. “I have an idea!”

Asuna aimed and fired at the giant jewel in the ogres chest. “It’s their weak point! Focus your fire here!”

“Wow, onee-san, you’re a genius! Leave it to me, sis!”

Yuuki pushed her blades deep into the ogres’ chest with a twelve hit super aerial combo, and they were quickly defeated.

“We won, onee-chan!”

Yuuki flew through the air and tackled Asuna. They stared into one another’s eyes. Only an inch separated their mouths.

Later that afternoon, Asuna and Yuuki said goodbye. “It’s over, we won. Good work guys.”

“It isn’t over!” said Yuuki’s mom. “Asuna… you don’t know how much you mean to Yuuki. She’s always been one to do swordplay with anyone she meets. But with you… maybe you could be someone special. Let’s have a party.”

“Okay!” said Asuna. “Um, why not come to my player home?” Asuna blushed.

“Well, that’s a bit too fast for my daughter…”

Yuuki looked at her mother with a look of purest joy. “Ok, fine. It’s not like I should kid myself about what kids are going to do. Back in my day… well… I shouldn’t say this in front of my daughter. Never mind.”

Everyone went to Asuna’s house to party. Kirito and Yui were great wingmen, they had already prepared plenty of food and vacated the premises. After all, that’s what family is for.

Yuuki told hilarious stories about how she played an MMO where she was a bug.

Later on, once Asuna had given Yuuki’s mother plenty of alcohol, Asuna and Yuuki slipped surreptitiously into Asuna and Kirito’s bedroom, holding hands. But suddenly, Yuuki disappeared. She had logged out.

Asuna began to cry.

To be continued…

This is part 39 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Asuna was still worried about how Yuuki had logged out of SAO the other day.

“Yuuki hasn’t logged in for three days!!! She must be dead!”

“You may be right. We haven’t heard from her either.”

“But I believe Yuuki doesn’t want to see you again. You should leave her alone.”

“But… but… Yuuki is my best friend… besides my family… I only met her three days ago, but we were so close.”

“Even if the guild disbanded, I thought we could stay friends forever. I really admired her swordplay, and wanted to fight with her more.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Kirito, Ph.D., was reinventing the science and technology of virtual reality. He had plugged a camera into his laptop via USB. Truly, Kirito was a visionary thinker.

Asuna went to complain to Kirito about how her best friend never wanted to talk to her again. Kirito handed her a slip of paper with the address of the research facility Yuuki was housed in. “I’m busy doing science, woman! Leave me be!”

Asuna headed to the research facility, and met Yuuki’s doctor.

“Um… Did Yuuki-san tell you about me?”

“All she does is talk about you. You really made an impression on her with your swordplay. But the truth is… Yuuki has an STD (sword transmitted disease).”

“AIDS. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.”

“But… that means… I can’t do swordplay with Yuuki!!!”

“It’s okay. That’s what we build this medical device for. In Alfheim Online, Yuuki can do swordplay to her heart’s content without spreading the disease to anyone. That girl really loves swordplay, more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“Oh… Yuuki…” Asuna broke down in tears.

Yuuki told Asuna to meet her in Alfehim Online. She logged in and searched desperately, crying and screaming all the way. Finally, Asuna found Yuuki waiting, exactly where Yuuki told her she would meet her.

They embraced.

“Asuna… the truth is… I did swordplay with so many people, and became a master swordsman. But along the way, I picked up an STD.”

“Yuuki… I’m so sorry…”

“But despite that, I still love swordplay so much. I couldn’t live without it. That’s why I’m grateful for the world of Alfheim Online, where I can practice swordplay with anyone I want without endangering them at all.”

“Asuna… if you’re okay with me… let me unsheathe my sword…”

To be continued…

This is part 40 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

1337 haxor Kirito turns on a webcam, with the help of two other engineers. He installed Skype so now Yuuki could attend school. Truly one of the greatest minds of our age.

Yuuki went to school. The teacher asked her to read a book aloud.

Asuna cried. Yuuki could read. All her dreams had come true.

The rest of the class was equally amazed.

“You all should come visit me in SAO!” said Yuuki. “I’d be happy to give you some private lessons.”

Next, Asuna took Yuuki for a walk around town.

“Asuna, you’re already fifteen years old. You need to get married already.”

“I know… Asuna, want to marry me?”

“Um…”

“But you’ll have to be the wife.”

But Yuuki… what would my daughter say?”

“I would love her as my own child.”

“Oh, Yuuki…”

“Asuna… let me tell you about my tragic past. My mom used to take us to church to pray. She always told us, ‘God does not give us more suffering than we can bear.'”

“I always wanted to hear her words, not the Bible’s.”

“But Yuuki, that’s not in the Bible.”

“Oh… well… it’s not like either of us ever read it.”

“You’re right Yuuki. You’ve inspired me. I will talk to my mother about this.”

“Please, Mother! I can only talk to you while playing video games!”

Asuna and her mother went to the world of Alfheim Online.

“Mother, the truth is… I’m thinking about getting married.”

Asuna’s mother started crying. “I always thought this day would come… but why… can’t I control my tears?”

“In this world, you can’t hide your tears.”

“That’s a bug!”

“But anyway, you’re prepared to support someone for the rest of your life, aren’t you? You’re already 15, so I think that’s great.”

“Oh, it won’t be for the rest of my life. She has AIDS, can’t leave the hospital, and only has a year or so left to live.”

“She…?”

To be continued.

This is part 41 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Yukki beat a few more bosses since she hadn’t died yet, and she loved swordplay so much. With Kirito in her party, it was too easy though.

She fought a duel with Kirito to see who was the best at swordplay. Kirito would have won but time ran up. He let her win, since she was a girl. And if he’d gone any further in swordplay with her, he would have gotten AIDs. Asuna wouldn’t have liked that.

However, one day Yuuki had a heart attack. It turned out she’d been ganbarimasuing so hard she cured AIDs. But she still had to die, so that Kirito could unambiguously be the best at swordplay again.

Yukki died. Asuna asked her to spend her last moments inside a video game so she wouldn’t have to look at her ugly face in real life. With her dying breath, Yuuki passed on one of her swordplay skills to Asuna. Lots of faerie people came to watch Yuuki die in the hopes she would give them a sword skill too. She didn’t.

Yuuki died. Her last moments were the happiest moments of her life.

Everyone else lived happily ever after. They didn’t learn from Yuuki’s death and continued practicing unprotected swordplay.

THE END

Kirito continues doing swordplay with girls.

Well, I honestly thought the first half wasn’t that bad. By itself it would probably get a C+. It was sure dumb, and I made fun of it a lot with my fanfiction, but it was a big improvement over the first season. We actually had a conflict with some stakes again, and Sinon was a decent character. Even if her fear of guns was retarded and there was an unhealthy fixation on her ass and she fell in love with Kirito for no reason… But hey, I was mostly entertained for the first half.

Then the second half of the series came along. Good lord. What a waste of everyone’s time. First we had a completely pointless arc back in fairy land. And then we have this arc with the girl getting AIDs. They were both pretty pointless. I guess the AIDs arc added to Asuna’s “character development” but they easily could have found a better, less heavy-handed way of doing so. Plus, it mostly just makes Asuna seem like a spoiled brat. She’s oppressed by her mother because her mother wants her to stop playing video games and eat dinner with her. And we’re supposed to be taking Asuna’s side here…? What? They try to make it less “ambiguous” and have us see Asuna’s side more by having her mother look comically evil and try to force her into an arranged marriage but come on… these are separate issues…

Basically, it sucked. Although the first half was surprisingly decent. Can’t wait for Season 3 and more fanfics!

• Storytelling – D – Decent in first half, then fell apart.
• Voice – D – Lots of sexual innuendo?
• Characters – F – Certainly not this show’s strong point…
• Attention Grab – D – Ok in first half, boring in second.
• Production – B – Looks fine.
• Overall – D+

Recommendations – .Hack//Sign, Guilty Crown, Log Horizon

This is part 32 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

“Someone found the Holy Sword Excalibur in ALO?! Imouto, are you telling me… that my DUAL BLADES are no longer the world’s biggest swords?!!!”

“No, of course not, onii-sama. They found the sword, but they only saw it. They didn’t get it yet. Don’t worry.”

“Phew. Okay, this afternoon, I’m upgrading one of my weapons.”

Later that day…

“Everyone, please help me upgrade my sword!”

“But, Kirito, look at all these swords I made for you! Do we really have to go on this quest? It looks like it will be really cold.”

“Yeah, what do we get out of this?” asked Klein, resting his head comfortably on Kirito’s bosom.

“Don’t worry, Klein. Somehow, I’ll find a way to express my gratitude. Afterwards, I’ll show all of you some top-notch swordplay while wielding Excalibur. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Klein? Lizbeth, Silica, Sinon? And Asuna, Imouto and Yui, I don’t even need to ask you. We’re family, after all. Swordplay is for the whole family.”

“Ok!” said Klein.

“It’s a deal,” added Lizbeth. “I’ll reforge your new sword to be harder and bigger.”

“I can’t wait to see how new sword feels, Kirito,” said Silica.

“I won’t let you attack me from the rear like last time,” Sinon said. “By the way, Lizbeth, can you make a sniper rifle for me?”

“Umm… no… this isn’t that kind of game, Sinon…”

The party headed to the dungeon, where Imouto’s friend Tonkii, the elephant squid, would fly them to the dungeon entrance. Imouto showed off her high cold-resistance stats. She’d decided recently that she’d been wrong and that Kirito was actually an ass man.

But right now, Kirito only had eyes for Excalibur.

They continued walking towards the dungeon.

Kirito pulled on Sinon’s tail.

“Kirito… Ahhhh…!!!! Can’t you wait… until… you get the new sword? Although it feels so good… such sensitivity….!”

Silica looked at her tail sadly. “Why won’t Kirito grab my tail…?”

Finally, they arrived at their destination. Imouto whistled, and Tonkii appeared in the distance.

“He’s so cute!” said Lizbeth.

“See, Kirito?!” said Imouto. “Tonkii is cute!”

Tonkii started sucking on Klein.

“Ok, let’s go!” Kirito and friends jumped aboard.

“Tonkii, yip yip!”

As they ascended through the clouds, a vast panorama of ice and snow panned out before them. They saw the battles of men and giants and elephant squids as if they were ants.

A giant woman appeared. She was the princess from the lake who had ruled over the prosperous kingdom of giants before her kingdom was destroyed by the ice king. She began to explain the history of her tragic past to Kirito and friends.

“Woman, we don’t need your life story, just where is the fucking sword?!” Kirito shouted.

The woman pointed.

“Tonkii, yip yip!”

To be continued…

This is part 42 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Hey, everybody, it’s me, Kirito, the Man in Black, Savior of Aincrad, Wielder of the Tri-Blades, and one of the humblest men on Earth. Oh, I should also mention, ladies, I’ve maxed out my kissing skill. Anyway, today a new game is out, Sword Art Origin! Let’s log in!

“Hey, Asuna, Liz, Silica, how’s it going? Did you know? This is a new game, a new beta test, Sword Art: Origin.”

“Um, Kirito… we all just shelled out sixty bucks on this game, so maybe we know what this game is called. Just lay off with your mansplaining bullshit, you sexist pig.”

This is my good friend, Liz. She might sound a bit harsh, but that’s just how she is. That Liz. Such a flirt. She can make anyone crack a smile in their darkest moments. More than once we’ve entrusted our blades, and lives, to her. She was the first one who pounded on my blade to make it so erect and firm. She sure made me smile. I owe so much to her.

“Liz, did you know? This is like our old world, Aincrad, but instead of in a tower it’s on the ground, so it’s called Ainground. “Ground” in English means ground. These game devs are so clever. Almost as clever as me.

“@#%# off you #@%@#%^ #%@#$!!!!”

“Kirito, I’m a bit nervous… Remember last year, when we played Sword Art Online? How we couldn’t log out of the game, and if we died in the real world, we died in real life? Playing such a similar game again just brings back all the memories… I think I might wet my pants.”

This is Silica. I met Silica early in Sword Art Online when I saved her from a group of monsters, and worse.

“You’re right, Silica, those were some great memories… I miss those days.” She’d wet her pants back then too.

“But this place isn’t a prison anymore. No matter what’s in store for us here, we should be having fun. Together.”

“You’re right, Kirito. Although I enjoyed my time in prison, getting licked by that creepy guy… that was hot. I know you liked the NTR too. But tonight, let’s have some fun together at the inn with our daughter Yui. I heard that this game has an upgraded physics engine. Can’t wait to try it out.”

And this is my wife, Asuna. Just like me, she really loves swordplay. She’s the only one whose skills can match my strongest blade, with her well-oiled sheath.

“Kirito, my best pal!!!”

“Hey! Who were you again?”

“Haha, you always crack me up! But man, why do you get to hog all the cute chicks for yourself? Some of us are starving for attention over here!”

“Well, yeah, when you have sword skills like mine, what can you do?”

Imouto joined the group. “I’m so sorry Klein, about Freyja. I never would have guessed your first love would transform into a giant sweaty man with enormous two ton balls.”

“That was my second love, my first was Kirito when I thought he was a girl, but…. Wahhhhh!!!! Don’t remind me!!!!”

I wonder who that was. Well, whatever. This is my sister, Imouto. Since we’re family, we’ve practiced swordplay together in our house’s dojo ever since I could lift my sword. But swordplay with her got way better when we moved to the virtual world. The virtual world is so much better than the real world.

“Hey, Kirito… let’s go shopping together before we meet up with Yui for some swordplay at the inn.” Before anyone could stop us, Asuna grabbed my arm and ran off into the crowd.

On the way to the inn, Asuna stopped at the accessory stop. “Excuse me! I need some protective gear! Something with resistance to sword transmitted diseases (STDs). Plus I’m not ready to have another child.”

“Sure, this is what you need!” I looked at the shopkeeper closely. Her muscles were finely toned, almost like a kobold’s. With a bit of training, her swordplay could be quite formidable.

“Ki-ri-to!!!” Asuna yanked on my sword. “You’re holding hands with your wife, and you’re still thinking about swordplay with other girls?!!”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine. I was just a little distracted by that shopkeeper. Anyways, let’s go to the inn.”

“Aaaah! Hi, everyone! Mommy, daddy, I missed you so much! I already registered and got our room keys. Let’s enjoy our family swordplay session!”

“YAY! We’re gonna be an awesome team again! Strea is back and cuter than ever!”

“Yeah! And… Who the flying fuck are you?” asked Asuna.

“What??!!! Mommy, you don’t remember? Strea is Yui’s little sister! We’re family!”

“Ki-ri-to?!!!! Care to explain?” asked Asuna as she brutally crushed the hilt of my sword with her bare hand.

“I… don’t… know… either,” I gasped. I looked closely at Strea’s two bucklers. She was well equipped for swordplay, and I could tell it would be some great practice. “But it’s ok. Yui’s family is our family, Asuna. If she’s Yui’s little sister, then I’ll be her daddy.”

“Daddy, I love you too!” cried Strea as she tackled me and squeezed my sword between her bucklers.

“Get off daddy, Strea, you’re making him turn all red!”

“Kirito, I’m going to fucking pulverize you tonight,” said Asuna.

“Darling, I love you too.”

“Daddy, mommy, I can’t wait to play Sword Art Origin! We get to have all sorts of family time here in Ainground too!”

To be continued…

This is part 42 of my SAO summary / fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.

Kirito, Asuna and Kirito enjoyed their family time at the inn.

I love my family, thought Kirito, but really, I’ve been in this new game for an entire day and I haven’t even whacked a single monster with my sword. I’ve wasted this entire time with my family and friends. I’m a beater, not a cheater, do these people think I became the legendary dual wielding swordsman by having skills just fall into my lap?

Kirito left the room to go find a quest. Could he get the dual wielding skill to magically fall into his lap and make him the greatest swordsman, just like last time? In the inn lobby, he ran into Sinon.

“Hi Kirito! I’m looking forward to playing this game with you. Thanks to your help in letting me play with your enormous gun, I was able to overcome my fear. Now I can enjoy having you fire your gun inside my holster so much.”

“No, Sinon, I should be the one thanking you. You opened a whole new world for me. I never realized that being on the receiving end of the gunfire could feel so great too. It was even more wonderful for me.”

“Heh… Okay. Why don’t we settle on the fact that it was evenly wonderful for both of us.”

“But this game doesn’t have guns. I’ll have to introduce you to swordplay.”

“I’ll look forward to it! I got a spear so we can try that out too. See you around, Kirito!”

Kirito and Sinon left the hotel. As soon as he stepped outside, Kirito’s muscles froze in place.

“KIRITO!” boomed out a mighty voice. “LET ME EXPLAIN HOW TO ADJUST THE ANGLE OF YOUR CAMERA!”

“Oh fucking shit,” exclaimed Kirito. “I just want to kill some monsters already. Bug off you stupid tutorial. I’m a beater already, I don’t need this n00b shit.”

“Oh, wait! Actually, let me see that again. This could be useful. Let me test this out while Sinon’s still here.”

Kirito meticulously adjust the camera angle. “Oooh, that’s what I’m talking about! Wait… what the fuck?!!! These graphics suck! Sword Art Online had much more realistic physics models!!!”

Kirito spent the next twenty minutes scrolling through the tutorial screens as quickly as possible. “Oh, wait, I read that too fast! Go back!”

“THESE ICONS INDICATE PLACES WHERE YOU CAN SKIP THE SMALL TALK AND HAVE A MORE INTIMATE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FRIEND.”

“Well, okay… but what if I want to skip the conversation too? Don’t have any time for that shit, there’s questing to do.”

“USING THE LEFT STICK, YOU CAN GET CLOSER TO YOUR FRIEND AND MAKE A BOLD MOVE.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!”

“ONCE YOUR FRIEND WARMS UP TO YOU, YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HOLD HANDS OR CARRY THEM IN YOUR ARMS IN PUBLIC.”

“Ok, seems typical. Guess I’d better beef up my STR, especially with Asuna’s high level cooking skill…”

“TAKING THEM TO YOUR ROOM AT THE INN WHILE PERFORMING EITHER ACTION ALLOWS YOU TO HAVE VERY INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS.”

“Dude, I already told you, I’m not interested in the conversations. And wait, I already did this last night, I don’t need a tutorial for it.”

“FRIENDS WHO DO NOT KNOW YOU WELL WILL NOT CONSENT TO PILLOW TALK. YOU MUST GET TO KNOW THEM FIRST.”

“Huh? Why…? This game doesn’t make any sense… Wait. This information is clearly wrong. Must have fixed it in the latest patch. I had some ‘pillow talk’ with my daughter Strea last night… and let’s be honest, I have no idea who the fuck she was. Not that it matters, damn, those bucklers… Well, let’s try this out.”

“Hey, guys! If it isn’t three of my favorite people,” Kirito lied.

A heart icon appeared above Silica’s head. He lifted her in a princess carry and stepped towards the inn.

“Wait, Kirito, I’m not ready yet!” said Silica.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind younger girls,” said Kirito.

From behind, Imouto kicked Kirito in the balls and Liz bashed him in the head with her hammer. Kirito was stunned. He dropped Silica. As Silica protested that she would come back with a tentacle monster to help, Imouto and Liz dragged her off while glaring at Kirito.

Kirito recovered from his stun. “Oh well, I wanted to do some questing anyway.” Kirito headed towards the bulletin board to find a quest. On the way, he met up with Asuna.

But before they reached the bulletin board, Kirito ran straight into a girl.

She fell. “Please help me.”

Where is the heart marker? thought Kirito. She’s kind of cute. Asuna glared at him.

“Ooh! Poor girl, she landed right on her… *ahem* rear-bits. Here, take my hand.”

Kirito helped her off the ground.

“Ok, I’ll help you, if you help me level my sword skills first. Follow me.”

“I understand.” The girl followed closely behind Kirito as he walked towards the bulletin board.

He ran into Sinon again there. For some reason she looked angry. Actually, Kirito noticed, Asuna looked angry too.

“Please, tell me you have attracted yet another girl who will follow at your heels like a puppy,” said Sinon.

“Please help me,” the girl said.

“Seems like it. I can’t help how popular I am.”

“What’s her name?” asked Asuna. “I guess she might be joining our family soon.”

“Please help me,” the girl said.

“Hmm, I don’t know. Not like it matters. Let me check.” Kirito checked the menu. “What? She doesn’t have a name! Oh! And she’s also an NPC!”

“Well, we should give her a name,” said Sinon. “How about Premiere, because this is her first time.”

“Having a name, I mean.”

“Sure, whatever,” said Kirito. “You’re Premire from now on.”

“Premiere,” the girl smiled. “Please help me.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” said Kirito. “I need to raise my sword skills.”

“It reminds me of when I first met Kirito,” said Asuna as they left. “It was the beginning of a whole new life.”

“Today is kinda like that for her. It’s her first day as an independent girl with motivations and character all her own. It’s all thanks to Kirito-kun. Before he met her she was empty, without even a name. But now she has begun to change. I hope Kirito can make other girls live meaningful and fulfilling lives just like me.”

To be continued…